As of this latest session, one of our players (Brenna Badger) has returned to college. Although her life will no doubt be very busy, we will be glad to have her along on the adventure whenever she can be. The time will soon come when two more of this party will be heading off to college and we’ll be referring to this time as our halcyon days.
Before the scribe becomes too overwhelmed by the nostalgia, here’s your party recap.
DM: Brent
Draeya: Half-Elf Ranger CG (Heather)
Brenna Badger: Forest Gnome Druid NG (Maddy)
Dallian Lorgo aka “Dealio”: Rock Gnome Rogue CN (Kurt)
Eldewyn: High Elf Fighter CN (Anderson)
Kit Kat: Half-Elf Bard NG (Jenny)
Chsaud: Wood Elf Paladin LG (Elliot)
The DM is quick to begin the session by commenting on the “weather”. It would appear that a quick-moving fog has rolled in upon the landscape, thus rendering the map blurry and difficult to read.
Bahaha. Like THAT is going to stop our courageous heroes.
Instead, the party decides to venture down the ridge and to the farm, in hopes of locating Big Al Kalazorn somewhere down in the carnage. Briefly, there is the discussion about what to do with the horses, whether they should stay on the ridge or follow the group down. In the end, horse freewill is the order of the day. Horses gonna do what horses gonna do, yeah?
Brenna Badger moves towards the orchard, while Draeya and the others make their way out into open, towards the farmhouse. The reek of decaying orc and human flesh assails the heroes’ nostrils before any of them get too far. Investigation checks determine that the dead have been so for some time, if the swarming flies are any indicator. Obviously, the orcs and humans were engaging in some kind of skirmish, when they, you know, all killed each other.
On a side note, Eldewyn’s low Perception roll (maybe a FUMBLE?) discovers none of this…but he does find some very fascinating lint in his pockets.
Draeya, though, catches the sounds of talking from the nearby farmhouse and naturally, moves towards the building. It should be said here that Draeya harbors a particularly vicious hatred towards orcish humanoids and will pursue them to the ends of the earth. The other party members follow her and before long, the sounds of grunting and feasting can be heard clearly by all. A hushed conversation takes place; this might be a good time for Kit Kat to try her new Invisibility spell? Dallian performs a comical little up-and-down routine to peek into the window and he ascertains there are three orcs in the kitchen. And then, moments later, he’s able to see that Draeya the orc-hating Ranger has kicked down the door into the house.
Kill or be killed, orc or kill orc, it would seem Draeya’s motto is now. The orcs turn in surprise at the commotion, and because of that, Draeya gets a first attack.
But before all that, let’s rewind a few seconds. Remember when Brenna headed off towards the orchard after the party checked out the stinking pile of carcasses? Well, she continued on her way into the grove of trees, and proceeded to ask a very good question of the DM: What kind of fruit are these trees? The DM misses only a beat before answering: Apple. Notes do not indicate if Brenna harvested some of the apples, although it’s probably safe to assume she did. Because that’s what Brenna does!
Back to the orcs – who are about to suffer such a beatdown, like, they don’t even know…
1. A double shortsword hit and subsequent considerable damage by Draeya reduces Orc #1 to a bloody, mangled mess on the floor.
2. The other two orcs, still gripping their ham and beers, move towards the unwelcome, new guests.
3. Despite only having ham slices as weapons, the two orcs still manage to knock Draeya for 5 points of ham-fisted slap damage.
4. Draeya is able to get in another few points of damage on the orcs. Ham flies across the room, beer spills all over the floor.
And then, out of nowhere…
DALLIAN THE FLYING, TUMBLING GNOME!
5. Somebody better get Dallian the Gnome a ticket to Tokyo 2021 as he demonstrates that he totally belongs on the National Gymnastics team.
6. As if this backflippity-do awesomeness weren’t enough, the tumbling rock gnome ALSO gets in 10 points of short sword damage on Orc #3. Is there anything this rogue gnome can’t do???
7. The obviously-unimpressed Orc #2 gets in 7 more points of damage on the half-elf Ranger.
8. The high elf enters the fray, ready to attack Orc #3, only to FUMBLE! And stumble into the orc, causing the both of them to fall to the ground.
9. Chsaud the Paladin bursts in, full of all kinds of righteous divine fire, and he FUMBLES! The paladin appears to then stub his toe and fall to his knees.
10. Draeya gets in 6 more points of damage on Orc #2, and that creature now finds himself on a one-way ticket across the River Styx.
11. Dallian performs a sneak attack on the last orc standing (erm…well, the one laying on top of Eldewyn, that is) and his 14 pts of damage completely OBLITERATE the orc. In fact, there is so much obliteration, much of it splatters onto a prone Eldewyn, trapped beneath the victim.
12. Over the sounds of all the hacking and growling and dying, Draeya hopes the party can hear her pleas to “leave one Orc alive for questioning”.
Chsaud, recovering from the stubbed toe, discovers a door near him; upon opening it, he finds another orc (#4) coming down the stone corridor. The righteous anger begins to boil up in Chsaud’s blood and he rushes forward with his great, smiting Longsword of Light. Kit Kat is on the scene as well and between the two of them, they soon dispatch pesky Orc #4, with Chsaud racking up the kill shot. The corridor ends at another door and behind that door, waits another orc (#5).
Without haste, Kit Kat rushes in to do 6 pts of rapier damage to Orc #5, who staggers backwards after being viciously scraped and poked in such a manner. It is not difficult to imagine the bard flitting about, wielding her rapier proficiently…much in the manner of the Dread Pirate Wesley or Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride. Very impressive stuff.
It is now that the rock gnome enters, looking to get in on the action. He picks up a mug of beer and chucks it at the nearest orc and…FUMBLE! Thankfully, the pewter mug shatters against the nearest wall instead against the nearest player’s head.
13. Draeya attempts a Grapple on Orc #5 and succeeds. Eldewyn comes in with the rope to tie the orc down.
14. And because the hulking, injured beast is now putting up a great struggle, Brenna Badger (who arrived moments ago) casts Minor Illusion as a means to distract it. And it works like a charm (which it is, actually). The dancing stars in front of the orc’s eyes are enough to subdue the creature long enough for Eldewyn to finish his ropework.
During all this, Chsaud the oath-taking paladin has apparently lost his head; he announces that he is going to “loot the bodies”. And when that raises eyebrows amongst the others, he backpedals: loots bodies becomes “closes eyes”, which becomes “last rites”, which finally becomes “ensure safe trip to the afterlife”.
Let’s hope this is simply an one-time aberration, Chad. Your God will be watching you.
Incidentally, Chsaud finds five gold pieces and some ham on the corpses.
Finally the orc is bound and ready for questioning. But first, the angry creature has a question of his own, which comes through Draeya the translator: Why you attack me? I hate Elves.
Not sure about you, dear readers, but it would seem the orc has answered his own question.
Brenna is curious as to the orc’s feelings about gnomes. To which the orc replies, “Gnome short. No match for me.”
Kit Kat decides this is good time for some soothing, calming kazoo music.
Draeya demands to know where Al Kalazorn is, and if he’s even still alive. After the orc informs her he is tied up down in the basement, she departs immediately to rescue the prisoner. Or at least, she tries to before she remembers she’s serving as the translator. OOG, there is brief moment of laughter as the DM does a bit of guttural growling to demonstrate what the orc would sound like without the orc-speaking Ranger present. And, Brenna has more questions:
B: “Are all your friends dead?”
O: There’s one left.
B: Well, that’s good. That you have some friends, still, right?
O: …
B: So, why did you attack?
O: We hungry. Want food, animals.
At that point, Brenna is done with the interview. She might have been sympathetic, but once it became clear that the orcs were after the animals for eating, she was DONE.
Chsaud, in his wanderings about the place, finds another door that opens onto an ascending stairway (cue Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven”). Upon entering the room at the top of the stairs, the paladin discovers a game room of sorts. Tables, cards chess pieces are scattered about. The DM asks Chsaud to roll a Perception check…
FUMBLE!
What does a fumble on a Perception check look like? It’s hard to say, but it seems that the paladin has gone temporarily blind for a moment, and is COMPLETELY oblivious to the orc in the room. Luckily, the orc also FUMBLES! on his greataxe swing at Chsaud, so all’s well that ends well, right?
Perception checks back downstairs means that the rest of the party hears the thuds from the floor above them. Brenna and Eldewyn immediately head in that direction, while Kit Kat, Dallian, and Draeya decided to head towards the cellar.
Up in the game room, Chsaud has regained his wits and performs a bit of Channel Divinity on his weapon, which the scribe imagines now resembles the flaming sword wielded at the East Gate by the angel Uriel. Anyway. A marvelous attack roll by Chsaud gets him 11 points of slash damage across the orc’s back. Eldewyn rushes in and finishes the job with his scimitar.
Meanwhile, the scene down in the cellar is reminiscent of all those spy clock-and-dagger movies you’ve ever seen. A figure in the center of a darkened room, tied to a chair, wearing a dark hood…
It is Big Al Kalazorn. He has been beaten and weakened, but despite that, he’s able to articulate his gratitude as the players moves to remove the hood, untie him, and do some minor wound-healing. Big Al is especially concerned about his prize butter cow, Petunia…and he asks if the players have seen her. Big Al is ecstatic to hear that Petunia lives…and strangely enough, it is this joy that eclipses the expected sorrow that most of his workers and ranch hands and friends are dead. A Deceit check by Dallian reveals no duplicity in the sheriff’s demeanor, even when Big Al goes on to explain that he was overwhelmed by orcs as he was working in the cellar on his latest creation, butter bowls. As soon as the former captive is strong enough, he is escorted upstairs by the heroes.
And speaking of heroes, what are the other three up to? Well, let’s just say this: noise-making, Thunder Waving, long swording, and orc slaying. Eldewyn searches this final room and finds a suit of chain mail, which he plans on taking. The paladin declares that he is not okay with stealing (perhaps Eldewyn should have said he was “looting the bodies”). A pair of 8s on the die by Chsaud and Eldewyn means that the high elf barely gets away with convincing the wood elf he is, in fact, NOT stealing the armor.
Funnily enough, Big Al and the rest of the party enters at that moment. Kalazorn greets the three other party members, and states chirpily, “Oh, you found the chain mail I was going to give to you.” Chsaud casts a withering glance at Eldewyn and simply says, “You lied.”
Eldewyn is probably not too concerned about this, but when a paladin ominously calls you out on a sin, with a look like that…it seems like it could be a terrifying thing.
Meanwhile, Brenna and Big Al are fast friends now over their mutual love of animals. “Butterskulls for everyone!” Big Al exclaims. Draeya forgoes her skull for a hefty draught of Big Al’s apple wine. Brenna asks if she might have a buttersheep instead of a skull, and Al promises to try the sculpture. But because his skull inventory is currently very low, he will need to sculpt more. He says the group is welcome to stay and relax at the Ranch while he finishes the skulls. Draeya, though, is not one to sit idly by…there is work to be done here at the ranch: cleaning up to do, human bodies to bury, orc bodies to haul away and burn, living space to put to rights. The others assist in this as well, and several hours later, the party is headed back to Phandalin, every one owner of a new butter skull except Draeya.
It has not been forgotten that Elmer Barthen promised to give the horses up upon delivery of one butter skull. The question is: who will hand over their prize skull to Elmer for the benefit of the entire party? Hmm.
At any rate, this super cadre of heroes return to Phandalin (yet again) victorious in their mission – undefeated, as it were. A recommendation is made amongst the group that if they see Harbin Wester again, they would advise him to place an advert for more ranch hands at the Butterskull Ranch.
And it is here the session comes to an end: with our party standing in the middle of the town square, feeling pretty self-satisfied with another job well done.
As always, your faithful scribe,
Heather
P.S. Six FUMBLES in this session. Six.